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| Five years on from a high point in Psychosis |
Five years after seeing Blit. 1 written in the sky, immediately after a strange synchronous experience, do I get to see what it really means today?
Is this just New Age nonsense? Delusion?
Does it mean anything in a personal journey, drawing on both science & spirituality to understand my psychosis experiences, as my nature "acting out?"
Consider;
Wednesday 4th April 2007:
Of coarse I was emotional that day, the reality of loss was pounding my heart on that particular Wednesday in 2007. Following the incident at the Hawkesbury river with that stone, I’d immersed myself deeper into the heart felt, take me where you will, nature of a euphoric mania. Everyday reason and objective logic is forced from the mind as deep emotional wellsprings rush up from the heart, you just go with its flow. All the normal wary suspicions of self-preservation dissolve, as an innate bias of negative judgment towards the unknown, seems to disappear. It’s a bit like sleep walking in a way, an acting out of deeply unconscious meaning, once you get past the instinct of fearful negative reactions, not so much yours, but other people‘s. In this dreamy “I’m not sure what this is, but I think I‘m getting some answers,” I drove away from the river in a triumphant blaze of heightened emotion. I’d accepted the sign of that second splash as a message I needed to hear. “Its all true, your alive, you’re here, embrace your being in this present now,” although the life history of my subjective experience filled this new now, with thoughts of God, good and evil and that number one boggy man, the Devil. A subjective sense of the experience that wasn’t helped by a freak unseasonable hailstorm either. What can I say, when your in this state there is a powerful sense of resonance with all nature, and like people bending spoons with the power of concentration, did I somehow cause that second splash in the water?
Beneath the thoughts though, beneath the subjective sense of it all, on a purely physical level I was free of a lifelong sense of fear, wanting and needing to experience a brand new now, and hopefully driving towards a new destiny, guided by some unknowable sub-conscious wisdom. Within an hour I’d found myself approaching the magnificent Baha’i Temple on Sydney’s upper north shore, struck by its beauty I followed another heart surge and turned into the car park. I remember walking towards a volunteer guide, an older man in his seventies, and as our eyes met there was an immediate recognition of my highly emotional state, yet no sense of wary reaction from this man with the wisdom of long lived experience. Instead there was a welcome stranger look, a greeting with a dignity and warmth that was exactly what I needed in that moment. I shook his hand and he told me about this amazing place that I’d never seen or heard of before, intuitively telling me about his own dark night of the soul, and how he’d turned to the Baha’i faith. He explained his Baha‘i beliefs, “we have an emphasis on the oneness of God, the oneness of humanity and the fundamental unity of world religions." “Wow, what if I’d found my way here in 1980, on that first night of slipping into mania?” Showing me around he pointed out the chalet type accommodation where people often came to stay and study, not just the Bahai faith, but all the worlds major religions. Would I have found a home back then, a different destiny and did mania turn into a history of bipolar disorder from the chance and circumstance of life’s peculiar fate?
Certainly with the accent of the internet I’ve met many who’s first experience of psychosis, did not lead to a lifelong experience of mental illness. The one clearly identifiable difference being circumstances, which did not lead to a medical intervention? After spending time talking to this wonderful man I wondered across to the Temple itself, thinking that I‘d already discovered the purpose of this visit. “I will come back on Sunday for the service,” I’d assured my new friend and the ladies in the book shop. Yet as I walked into this amazing nine sided temple with its simple yet elegant oak wood lectern, standing alone towards the rear of the semi-circular rows of bench seating. I was overcome by a singular sense of need, and this was nothing like the omnipotent sense of oneness I’d been experiencing all day. This felt decidedly different as it drew me like a magnet towards the lectern. Walking slowly around this simple wooden structure, I placed my hands each side of the rectangular Bible platform, feeling the grain of the timber with my fingers and palms.
As I tried desperately not to second guess what I should do now, as a powerful urge to knell came over me. I was suddenly overcome by remorse and a need to ask forgiveness from the child who’s murder I’d sanctioned by abortion, some three decades earlier. The heart felt plea for forgiveness I silently uttered made my previous youthful decision seem so shallow, some kind of simulated awareness about the nature of life’s reality, floating around my head. Some kind of intellectual distancing of head from heart, from my body, from the primacy of emotion, and the ground of my being. Not here though, here was a physical sensation, a pressure wave of deep desire and need as I sank to my knees, as a flood of grief welled up from deep within. I remember biting my lip, fearful that I would cry out like some wounded animal, drowning in a vortex of pain, grief, guilt, loss, and absolute rage at the stupid shallow needs which had denied a life so precious. “I‘m so sorry, so sorry, please forgive me. - my darling, my baby, my daughter.”
There was one incident on that Wednesday when I’d lost the plot a little bit, and my boy did see that. From the Baha’i Temple I’d driven back into the city center to pick him up from work, dropping into the Sisters of Mercy book shop nearby, looking for a Roman Catholic Bible. I’d been engaged in conversation with another elderly volunteer when a stout looking woman marched into the shop and immediately interrupted us.
'You have some Eastern Orthodox Bible here?' She said in a very impolite and demanding voice.
'I need Eastern Orthodox, to buy for today.' I stepped aside thinking she seemed in a bit of a state and should not be antagonized, and as the man behind the counter began addressing her, something really strange happened. Raising her voice even louder she said.
'There are only three original first names for the woman in Russia … … …,' and abruptly turned around and left. We just stood there with a “what was that all about,” look on our faces, the old man and I, although I was quietly shocked that she’d mentioned the name of the love of my life. My soul-mate whom I was still missing more than four years, and two relationships, later.
I swear this incident happened exactly as I’ve described it, and the timing, it was bizarre, was it just pure coincidence? There had been the girl from the church and the Korean man in the park, the second splash in the water and news about a paranormal séance involving my dead father-in-law? “Someone in the family needs counseling,” advice about faith, belief, trust and love, and the false economy of objects, twenty seven years of mania seemed to be coming to a head, my head. It seemed like one coincidence to many at that point and I got a bit carried away a short time later, when I saw a skywriter with a message that might have a special meaning. I pointed the words out to a nearby stranger, urging him to remember this sign, although I did quickly realize that I’d gotten a bit lost in the synchronicity thing. It’s a problem with mystical, magical thinking, you can set sail and get lost in it, and the skywriter thing happened right in front of my oldest son.
What the skywriter wrote was, Blit. 1?
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| Blit. 1 - Blue Light is True 1? |
Sensitivity-Psychosis & Blue Sky Mining?
My gut is wrenched out it is crunched up and broken
A life that is led is no more than a token
Who'll strike the flint upon the stone and tell me why
If I yell out at night there's a reply of bruised silence
The screen is no comfort I can't speak my sentence
They blew the lights at heaven's gate and I don't know why
But if I work all day at the blue sky mine
(there'll be food on the table tonight)
Still I walk up and down on the blue sky mine
(there'll be pay in your pocket tonight)
The candy store paupers lie to the share holders
They're crossing their fingers they pay the truth makers
The balance sheet is breaking up the sky
So I'm caught at the junction still waiting for medicine
The sweat of my brow keeps on feeding the engine
Hope the crumbs in my pocket can keep me for another night
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| Please Tell Why - Blue Sky |
From my comment on Mad in America.com, about Paris Williams new book "Rethinking Madness."
“I noticed that the fiery coal that had been burning in my solar plexus constantly for the past 3 months was completely gone.” June 7th 2012.
As I move through fifth week of my own organic process, this “straining” of the solar plexus, is very much a part of what seems to be trying to rise to conscious awareness. Reading Peter Levine’s unique understanding of our inherent susceptibility to trauma & thwarted natural responses which result in PTSD, allows me to go through the psychosis process, with less & less fear & confusion. Consider;
“TUMMY TALK:
The enteric nervous system is our oldest brain, evolving hundreds of millions of years ago. It produces many beneficial hormones, including 95% of the serotonin in the body, and thus is a primary natural medicine factory and warehouse for feel-good hormones. Amazingly, as much as 90% of the vagus nerve that connects our guts and brains is sensory. In other words for every one motor nerve fiber that relays commands from the brain to the gut, nine sensory nerves send information about the state of the viscera to the brain. Many of our likes and dislikes, our attractions and repulsions, as well as our irrational fears, are the result of implicit computations in our internal states.
It can be said that humans have two brains; one in the gut (the enteric brain) and the “upstairs brain,” sitting in the vaulted dome of the cranium. These two brains are in direction communication with each other through the hefty vagus nerve. And if we go with the numbers – nine sensory/afferent nerves to every one motor/efferent nerve – our guts apparently have more to say to our brains (by a ratio of 9:1) than our brains have to say to our guts. (p, 121)
When aroused to fight or flight (sympathetic arousal), our guts tighten, and the motility of the gastrointestinal system is inhibited. After all, there is no sense in spending a lot of metabolic energy on digestion, when it is best used to speed up the hearts rhythm and to strengthen its contraction, as well as to tense our muscles in readiness for impending action. (p, 122)
THE MEDIUM IS THE MESSAGE:
Our nervous system assesses threat in two basic ways. First of all, we use our external sense organs to discern and evaluate threat in the external environment. We also asses threat directly from the state of our viscera and our muscles-our internal sense organs. If our muscles are tense, we unconsciously interpret these tensions as foretelling the existence of danger, even when none actually exists. (p, 123)
Tight muscle in the neck and shoulders may, for example, signal to the brain that you are likely to be hit. Tense legs, along with furtive eyes, may tell you that you need to run and escape, and taught arms may signal that you are ready to strike out. (p, 124)
“The first seat of our primal consciousness is the solar plexus, the great nerve-center situated behind the stomach. From this center we are first dynamically conscious.” _D. H. Lawrence. (p, 125) In distress and trauma, I believe that a positive feedback loop, with extremely negative consequences, is set up. Indeed, most of us recognize that primal negative emotions readily turn into self-reinforcing, runaway positive feedback loops. Here trauma is the ouroboros, the serpent swallowing its own tail, eternally re-creating itself.
In the reciprocal enervation discovered by Sherrington, the nervous system operates primarily as a negative feedback system, much like a house thermostat. Self regulation of the complex nervous system exhibits what are called emergent properties, which are often somewhat unpredictable and rich in nuance.
While the nervous system operates under the principle of self-regulation, the psyche operates under the emergent properties of creative self-regulation. We might say that as the nervous system self-regulates, the psyche engages with these emergent properties: that is, to creative self-regulation. (p, 130)"
Exerts from “In an Unspoken Voice” by Peter Levine PhD.
"My gut is wrenched out it is crunched up and broken
A life that is led is no more than a token
Who'll strike the flint upon the stone and tell me why?"
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And Now?
And Now?
July 3rd 2012:
As I continue to write a blog post about Mythology & Metaphors of Our Species Evolution, I find myself inserting this;
Back to A CONVERSATION WITH DR. JOHN WEIR PERRY
From When The Dream Becomes Real: the inner Apocalypse in mythology, madness and the future, By Michael O’Callaghan
How long does the experience normally last?
The acute hallucinatory phase, during which these contents go through the reordering process, usually lasts about six weeks. This, by the way, corresponds to the classical description of visionary experiences in various religious texts, such as the proverbial "forty days in the wilderness" often referred to in the Bible. Anyway, six weeks is roughly it."
A notion that, Attachment, Separation & Loss. Is perhaps the ultimate challenge to deepening awareness, for a sentient species, in our current global challenge to deeper individual self-awareness, in our 21st century A.D.
WHERE ARE WE NOW?
2012: "The ascension is not a rising to “above” it’s a Fall, just as its always been, when you seek awareness of the Universe within, & truly feel the presence of this Eternal Now. In Eastern mysticism, such experience is known as a Kundalini awakening, or in the “stillness” of the great Prince, Buddha being?"
Metaphor & Meaning?
Consider;
The biblical account relates that during the Israelites' exodus from Egypt, the Ark was carried by the priests some2,000 cubits in advance of the people and their army, or host. When the Ark was borne by priests into the bed of the Jordan, water in the river separated, opening a pathway for the entire host to pass through (Josh. 3:15-16; 4:7-18). The city of Jericho was taken with no more than a shout after the Ark of the Covenant was paraded for seven days around its wall by seven priests sounding seven trumpets of rams' horns (Josh. 6:4-20). When carried, the Ark was always wrapped in a veil, in skins and a blue cloth, and was carefully concealed, even from the eyes of the priests who carried it.
Do Humans + Animals Share a Common Ancester?
Avatar: Making the Movie
The Meaning of Blue:
Blue signifies the celestial love of truth. That "blue" has this signification, is because it belongs to the color of the sky, and because by this color is signified truth from a celestial origin, which is truth from the good of love to the Lord. This good reigns in the inmost heaven, and in the middle or second heaven it is presented to view as crimson and blue; the good itself as crimson, and the derivative truth as blue.
For in the other life, and in heaven itself, there appear most beautiful colors, all deriving their origin from good and truth. For the sphere of the affections of good and truth is sensibly presented before the eyes of angels and spirits by means of colors, and specific things by variously colored objects. They are presented to the nostrils also by means of odors.
For everything celestial, which is of good, and everything spiritual, which is of truth, is represented in the lower heavens by such things as appear in nature, thus to the very senses of the spirits and angels there. The reason why the spheres of the affection of good and truth are visibly presented by means of colors, is that the colors are modifications of heavenly light, thus of intelligence and wisdom (AC 4530, 4677,4742, 4922).
By blue is signified the celestial love of truth, and by garments of blue, the knowledges of truth from this love, in Ezekiel:--
Fine linen with broidered work from Egypt was thy spread, that it might be to thee for a sign; blue and crimson from the isles of Elishah were thy covering. These were thy traders with perfect things, with bales of blue and broidered work, and with treasures of precious garments (Ezek. 27:7, 24); speaking of Tyre, by which are signified the knowledges of truth and good (AC 1201); knowledge and the derivative intelligence are described by broidered work from Egypt, and by blue and crimson from the isles of Elishah; broidered work from Egypt being the memory-knowledge of truth; blue and crimson from the isles of Elishah being the intelligence of truth and good. The Spiritual Meaning of Blue
An Eastern Meaning of Blue
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| MindBodySpirit - LJAmlie |
Everyone's path is very unique when they traverse through the amazing process of inner transformation. My experience is that we are turned to face our 'ego' & all of our conditioned beliefs & we often lock horns with this dualistic aspect of being human. It is the exploration of what is "right here" in each life rather than what is "out there". And this conscious inquiry begins to awaken that life Spirit within our bodies and our minds, unlocking every door that has ever been barred from our conscious awareness.
Whether you use the principles of the Law of Attraction to manifest material abundance, or seek happiness & contentment in your personal life, or wish to be of service in the world promoting healing, social justice or global sustainability, all these efforts will be trumped by the conflicts you still hold within you until you are finally willing to turn & face inward & address the conflicting beliefs you hold about yourself & the world. And your life will continue to provide the circumstances for you to see & work through these limitations until you recognize them as the powerful gifts of transformation that they are.
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Is there a deeper reality expressed in euphoric states of psychosis? During 40 days & 40 nights?
How Long? Before We Sing This New Song? - 2020?
Where is the bed of the Jordan, the city of Jericho, and The Promised Land?
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Where is James Cameron's "Uncanny Valley?"
Is it a function of our left & right hemispheres and our "implicit - explicit" attention focusing self?
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In a five year journey which began in 2007 with the first embrace of a psychosis experience since 1980, when I'd been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Does my most recent experience hold any existential meaning, for me personally and the sentient species I belong to?
See:
2007: 1st of four full term PSYCHOSIS
The Man in the Mirror
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From: Science, Spirituality & Psychosis
The ascension is not a rising to “above” it’s a Fall, just as its always been, when you seek awareness of the Universe within, & truly feel the presence of this Eternal Now. In Eastern mysticism, such experience is known as a Kundalini awakening, or in the “stillness” of the great Prince, Buddha being?
Is it time to re-address the tribal metaphors of life’s meaning, to a species understanding? In a Universe of 96% dark matter/energy. Life is “The Resurrection.” That great symbol of sacrifice we see in Christ on the Cross, as all the Light Matter Energy, sacrificed to create your life? How does the Universe become Eternal? By evolving into a form which can act upon itself, YOU & your children’s, children’s children, forever & ever, Amen! Or whatever metaphor of gratitude you use.
Where is heaven? Is it not, right in front of our Eyes? Are we not, Children of the Light?
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For those naturally circumspect about new information, please consider;
"What Are Hallucinations and How Can They Be Measured?
Along the perception-hallucination continuum of increasing arousal of the sympathetic nervous system (ergotropic arousal), man–the self-referential system–perceptually-behaviorally (cortically) interprets the change (drug-induced or “natural”) in his subcortical activity as creative, psychotic, and ecstatic experiences.
These states are marked by a gradual turning inward toward a mental dimension at the expense of the physical.
“Self”: The Knower and Image-Maker; and “I”: The Known and Imagined:
We have seen that the departure from the physical dimension during a voyage on the perception-meditation continuum is accompanied by a gradual loss of freedom, which is manifested in the increasing inability to verify the experience through voluntary motor activity.
At the peak of trophotropic arousal, in samadhi, the meditating subject experiences nothing but his own self-referential nature, void of compelling contents. It is not difficult to see a similarity between the meditative experience of pure self-reference and St. Teresa’s description of her ecstasy: in both timeless and spaceless experiences the mundane world is virtually excluded. Of course, the converge is true of the mundane state of daily routine, in which the oceanic unity with the universe, in ecstasy and samadhi, is virtually absent.
Thus, the mutual exclusiveness of the “normal” and the exalted states, both ecstasy and samadhi, allows us to postulate that man, the self-referential system, exists on two levels: as “Self” in the mental dimension of exalted states; and as “I” in the objective world, where he is able and willing to change the physical dimension “out there.”
In fact, the “I” and the “Self” can be postulated on purely logical grounds. See, for instance, Brown’s reasoning that the universe is apparently … “constructed in order (and thus in such a way as to be able) to see itself. But in order to do so, evidently it must first cut itself up into at least one state which sees, and at least one other state which is seen. In this severed and mutilated condition, whatever it sees is only partially itself… but, in any attempt to see itself as an object, it must, equally undoubtedly, act so as to make itself distinct from, and therefore, false to, itself. In this condition it will always partially elude itself.”
In our terminology, the “Self” of exalted states is that which sees and, knows, while the “I” is the interpretation, that which is seen and known in the physical space-time of the world “out there.”
The mutually exclusive relation between the “seer” and the “seen,” or the elusiveness of the “Self” and the “I” may have its physiological basis in the mutual exclusiveness of the ergotropic and trophotropic systems.
A discernible communication between the “Self” and the “I” is only possible during the dreaming and hallucinatory states, whether drug-induced or “natural.”
During the ”I”-state of daily routine, the outside world is experienced as separate from oneself, and this may be a reflection of the greater freedom (that is, separateness or independence) of cortical interpretation from subcortical activity.
With increasing ergotropic (sympathetic nervous system) and trophotropic (parasympathetic nervous system) arousal, however, this separateness gradually disappears, apparently because in the “Self”-state of ecstasy and samadhi, cortical and subcortical activity are indistinguishably integrated.
This unity is reflected in the experience of Oneness with everything, a Oneness with the universe that is oneself.” _Roland Fischer. “A Cartography of the Ecstatic and Meditative States.”
“What we’re learning in our schools is not the wisdom of life. We’re learning
technologies, we’re getting information. There’s a curious reluctance on the part
of faculties to indicate the life values of their subjects.” _Joseph Campbell.
technologies, we’re getting information. There’s a curious reluctance on the part
of faculties to indicate the life values of their subjects.” _Joseph Campbell.
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Another exert from Roland Fischer’s brilliant paper, may further illuminate the issue of our awareness of existential reality & our judgments and perceptions about mental disorder?
Moreover, subjects with a large standard deviation on handwriting area at T1 (that is, “variable” subjects), tend to be “perceivers,” whereas volunteers with a small standard deviation at T1(“stable” subjects) tend to be “judgers,” in terms of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.
This self-reporting, Jungian-type personality indicator yields simple, continuous scores on four dichotomous scales: extroversion-introversion, sensation-intuition, thinking-feeling, and judging-perceiving.
The perceivers also overestimate or contract time more than judgers do at the peak of a psilocybin-induced experience: this implies that perceivers move faster and farther along the perception-hallucination continuum than do judgers, who apparently require a larger dose for a comparable experience.
Space and Increasing Hyper and Hypoarousal
We call man’s symbolic interpretation of his CNS activity “perception-behavior” and regard creative, “hyperphrenic,” and ecstatic states, as well as Zazen and samadhi, as perceptual-behavioral interpretations of ergotropic and trophotropic arousal, respectively.
We may now consider some of the perceptual-behavioral changes, or transformations, that gradually develop as the level of arousal increases and decreases along each continuum.
One of the most conspicuous transformations is that of “constancies”, which in the normal state of daily routine form a learned structure of primary ordering of space and time “out there.”
Although the newborn infant’s only reality, in the beginning, is his CNS activity, he soon learns, by bumping into things, to erect a corresponding model “out there.” Ultimately, his forgetting that his CNS activity had been the only reality will be taken by society as proof of his maturity, and he will be ready to conduct his life “out there” in (container) space and (chronological) time.
This gradually learned and projected model, then, is the representation of a world ordered and stabilized by self-programmed invariances.
The adult interprets his CNS activity within this structure of similarity criteria, or “constancies,” and thus experience can be said to consist of two processes: the programmed (subcortical) CNS activity; and the symbolic or perceptual-behavioral (cortical) interpretation, or metaprograms, of the CNS activity.”
_Roland Fischer, “A Cartography of the Ecstatic and Meditative States.”
Do we "judge" or "perceive," with a hidden "arousal" mode?
Our, extroversion-introversion, sensation-intuition, thinking-feeling, and judging-perceiving?
Are we unconsciously oriented towards a default, defensive perception by our evolutionary heritage? Do most of us unknowingly, JUDGE to much? Please see: Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage.
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| Please Tell Why - Blue Sky - Blue Light is True 1? |
Born with a sensitivity susceptible to psychosis experience, do people like me harvest/mine the blue sky, in seeking deeper truths & meaning? Has it always been this way, prior to our current age of reason, and our cognitive dissonance/distance, from FEELING?